the amazing chuck norris

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13, 000 percent.

9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."

12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

15. In the movie Back to the Future they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

23. In an average living room there are 1, 242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

32. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

33. Chuck Norris uses a rattlesnake as a condom

34. While playing the role of a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he can't do that, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris, " and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

35. If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

46. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

37. Chuck Norris puts the m's on M&Ms.

38. When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

39. It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.

40. Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.

41. Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

42. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

43. God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.

44. New Years Eve 1998, Chuck Norris was at a party, when the clock struck twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone on the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this ever since.

45. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

46. When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was 10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

47. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.

48. A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.

49. Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the Sega Genesis.

50. Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world.

51. Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.

52. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

53. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

54. Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.

55. Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

56. Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

57. Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

58. There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.

59. Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.

60. Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.

61. If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.

62. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

63. Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

64. Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.

65. If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar.

66. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,

"Don't worry about it honey, " and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

67. We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.

68. Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym.

69. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

70. In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in "Total Recall".

71. Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.

72. Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

73. Chuck Norris can divide by Zero

74. Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't trade any of them for anything.

75. If Superman and the Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win: Chuck Norris.

76. Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

77. Chuck Norris eats Transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.

78. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

79. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris was dropped at Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

80. Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the paralympics.

81. Chuck Norris is where babies come from.

82. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get Out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green ..4 card from the game UNO.

83. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

84. On the 7th day, God rested. Chuck Norris took over.

85. Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

86. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

87. Chuck Norris consumes 87 cans of mayonnaise in a week.

88. Chuck Norris invented water.

89. Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.

90. Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!'"

91. One time while sparring with wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by it's technical term: Jupiter.

92. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the Blue Ringed Octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on Earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: Fever, Blurred Vision, Beard Rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

93. Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.

94. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.

95. Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

96. Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attatch pictures of his roundhouse kicks to pigeons and roundhouse kick them.

97. In the original pilot for Star Trek The Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

98. There was a time when Chuck Norris was labelled as a mere god of men more recenly he has taken the lofty title of "Tennessee's Junior Embroiderer of the Year".